


maybe it's the cold

by Anonymous



Category: Naruto
Genre: Dysphoria, Introspection, Trans Character, gaara uses female pronouns in this one, implied relationship with naruto but like its not very necessary?? ig??, or something akin to it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-01-15
Packaged: 2019-10-02 22:27:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17272322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: She recalls it's normal to feel numb everywhere when the body's cold. That's probably it.





	maybe it's the cold

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry i didnt know how else to go about this. ive been having a lot of thoughts and the only way i could express it without like. getting too into myself and getting judged by others i know irl is through this.
> 
> obviously gaara in this thing isnt going through his thoughts for the first time. we can pretend it happens as often and as repeatedly to him as it does to me

Sometimes, masturbation feels weird.

She doesn't know how else to describe it.

It's like. She know it should be pleasurable and, don't get her wrong it _is._ It's just. Weird.

Her chest feels too heavy. Too unreal. Too big. Or something.

Her hair, only recently cut short — her older brother more or less _sheared_ her hair off when she told him she'd like to try something like a pixie-cut — feels like it's been stuck on her head with glue when she pulls at it. Imagining strong fingers pulling at it doesn't help make the experience feel any better.

When she runs her hands down her body, to her thighs; when she pinches the inside, too afraid to come near her — even weirder, she hates the fucking word — pussy.

Touching herself feels a little awkward, sometimes.

Tonight, she sits on the floor, in front of her mirror. Thinks seeing herself might help or like, do something to her. She doesn't know.

But as she looks at herself, naked with her legs wide open, working a finger in and all that shit, she still gets distracted. Or dazed. Confused, maybe. Unsure.

What she sees in the mirror is herself, _clearly_. Green eyes made brighter by the redness of her face. Drool beginning to slightly drip from her chin. Her chest move a little with every thrust of her finger. She goes to move a hand to squeeze one of her nipples, but it only feels numb.

Maybe it's the cold. It's the winter season. Though it doesn't snow in Suna, winter in the desert still usually brings about cooler nights. Her windows are open too, they have been all day. She knows her siblings are going to give her an earful for it — getting sand everywhere, or a cold, or whatever.

She recalls it's normal to feel numb everywhere when the body's cold. That's probably it.

But it's enough thought and distraction and she quickly loses the motivation to reach an orgasm. She didn't even think she was aroused to begin with. She stops, pulls her fingers out, wipes them on her carpet floor; thinks how disgusting she's being and laughs a little.

She leans back on the side of her bed, pulls her legs towards herself, and looks at her reflection again.

And thinks, what if she didn't look the way she did.

She imagines what it would feel to not have such a visible chest. Maybe it would feel less heavy? She isn't even that big, she can go without wearing a bra and it wouldn't be scandalous at all. So, probably not.

She has body hair, not too much, but sometimes she likes to think what if his leg hair grew as much as her brother's. She doesn't think it's disgusting. It's hair, anyway. Or facial hair. Like a beard, or something. Her brother can't grow one, but maybe she can, if she were a guy.

The thought brings a smile to her face.

It's always like this. It's weird.

To Gaara, at least. To smile — to _giggle_ , about what she would be like if she were male. She knows if she told anyone, they'd laugh about it like how she's laughing about it now. But.

Sometimes, she wonders.

What _if._

What if she were born male. Would she be more comfortable masturbating? She smiles. To think the first thing she'd thing about doing if she had a dick was to jack off.

But seriously, _what if_. She tries to imagine. Not too hard to think as she's seen like, some in her life. She isn't so sure she'd get used to the feeling of having _something_ between her legs. Maybe it's as uncomfortable as boobs. She could ask anyone, they'd probably be uncomfortable, but that won't stop her.

Or maybe she'd get used to it. Maybe it _will_ be like boobs. Only Gaara still isn't used to hers and she's had them for like two decades. Who knows.

Maybe it'll be nice. Sex probably would be a lot nicer — guys seem to have a hard time finding the clitoris. People won't need to think when going about dicks. It's right there all the time. Blowing on it would probably bring more pleasure than like, someone putting their finger up the wrong hole, and thinking Gaara seizing away from them is a good sign. The thought makes her laugh. She remembers it happening a little while ago, back when she and Naruto were starting out. Virgins and all.

She wonders then, if she should ask him.

About. Feeling weird about masturbating. Or. Like.

Thinking about what it would be like if she were male.

He probably won't find it weird — Naruto's been exposed to a lot of things, he probably already dealt with something a lot more. Mind-boggling.

He'd still hopefully like her if she were to tell him, one day, that she'd like use male pronouns.

She closes her eyes, and leans further backwards.

Gaara's a guy name. The internet says so. People already initially think she's male when they first read her name. It wouldn't take too much to adjust. Probably.

She could just. Tell everyone one day that she'd like to be a guy.

But what sort of person thinks about changing their gender out of nowhere? Just because Gaara feels weird masturbating sometimes — that isn't a valid reason.

She's thinking too much into it. She should really talk to someone about this.

But the thought of opening up to someone about her thoughts feels a lot more uncomfortable and oddly difficult than like, trying to feel like she belongs in her own body.

Maybe another time.

Maybe tonight's just a really weird night.

She just blue-balled herself, after all.

It's the hormones.

**Author's Note:**

> i lost the point of this somewhere near the end swhy it ended so abruptly but not putting this out felt like a waste of effort. or idk i just really wanted to publicly announce that im going through this and the thought that i could say it outright made me feel a little lighter
> 
> also i wrote this on a fucking whim it took me a whole hour. unedited and everything
> 
> im sorry if i offend anyone im still learning so please point all my mistakes out. if anyone can give me tips on how to go about such realisations too id love to hear them. thank you so much


End file.
